Waiting & Expecting

A couple of days ago, I shared with an acquaintance that we were adopting our 5th child. She expressed her congratulations and then proceeded to ask me what my husband thought about me wanting 5 kids... I tried to keep a stunned look off my face and then shared that he loves our kids and is as excited to welcome our fifth into our family. I expressed that we are a team and that this was a 100%/100% decision from both of us! So I asked him if he would share some of his perspective about our fifth child on my blog......



Hey - it's Riley.  Candra asked me to post something, so here's my '2 cents' for the day.

Some of you have been wondering about the details of our 5th kid.  Candra will share more about those details in another post later, but basically we've been planning this next adoption for 11 months now and officially in process since October.  We really felt directed in this way last June and it's been impossible to get off our minds since.  Our dossier has been in to our agency for a little while now, so everything is completely out of our hands again and there's nothing to do but wait.  I personally like the dossier preparation stage better because at least I feel like I'm doing something or making progress!  Bottom line: learning, waiting and preparing for our next child has been going on longer than most people would assume.  Not as long as some people we know who are waiting, but it's not like we just started.

Which leads me to this: at the risk of sounding odd or a little melodramatic, I miss my 5th kid.  No idea who that kid is, but I still miss them - often. 

I missed him/her when I was waiting in line at D*sneyland with 34 screaming & energetic high school kids a couple weeks ago (helping lead a trip of 135+ students).  I missed him/her when I was framing the room where they will sleep & play.  I missed them when I looked in the rearview mirror of our van and saw an empty seat in the back (just waiting to be filled).  I'd like to say that waiting should be easier because I already have 4 kids... but I'd be lying.  And it's honestly unexpected for me.  This time seems to be more difficult even than the last....  I don't know how people do it for 2-4 years.  And the 'missing them' is not a bad thing, but it's not fun either.  I guess the feeling reminds me (in a good way) that we're moving toward something that's really important to us.  It's good to have plans, goals, and expectations for the future that are being realized and pursued, even if it seems to be at a snails pace sometimes.  I think that maybe 'missing them' is suppose to be a weird reminder of hope.  

The adoption process does odd things to a person (with our first adoption & now again to us).  Somehow I attach and begin bonding with a kid I've never met.  I begin preparing for their arrival before I know when I'll meet them.  And my ideas & expectations for my future and our family plans change before they even know I exist.  I guess 'expecting' is the same no matter how a kid enters your family.  You expect & plan for their arrival.  You begin to dream and wonder what they'll be like.  And you miss them because all this energy (emotional, physical, etc) is being invested whether other people recognize it or not.  As soon as we committed to adopting, I began thinking about life as though that child was already in our family and it colors every aspect of life.  And most other people don't recognize it because no one is 'showing'.  Welcoming a child into a family via adoption seems to be more lonely of an experience than having one by conception (we've had children both ways).  Most people regularly ask the pregnant mom-to-be how she is feeling, what the baby's been doing, etc.  No one really asks (or honestly knows what to ask) about when you are adopting.  In watching other people go thru the adoption process, it seems clear that they still get emotional, still notice a strain on different aspects of life (finances, health, marriage, etc.), still lose sleep, and still pray their faces off for the safety and well-being of their little one.  It's a paradox - that expected little one is both a complete stranger and also closer than most people in an adoptive parents mind/heart.

So the next time you see an expectant parent in the adoption process, consider asking them how they are holding up, how they are sleeping, if they have any recent dreams about family life, what changes they are considering because a little one will be added to their family or how they are handling the unpredictable wait.  Or just ask them if they've begun to think about names or what they'll do for the child's room or how their marriage is holding up.  And in my observation, they want you to ask even though they don't want you to ask.  They don't want you to ask because it's raw & unpredicatable & without a lot of answers & some of them feel constantly on the verge of tears or anger over circumstances.  But it's more important to know that people are interested and care.  So ask.

If any waiting parents are reading: please keep dreaming.  Hope is what keeps the process going and the reality of adoption in our world alive.  I'm not saying to be naive about circumstances in the adoption experience, but it's still vital to feel joy & anticipation.  Don't let the unpredictable wait rob you of this incredible experience of expecting your child.  And remember why you started the process in the first place!

Riley