for your enjoyment....

Blessings,

Candra

life & more on our adoption...

Life in the last week or so seems to be moving very fast. But today we are in the van, going to see family and it has given me time to breathe. To be reminded that all that I need each day is all right beside me. We have had moments like these this last week...

sisters

kite-flying..love this pic!

building with grandpa!

those eyes...

brothers

us. love it.

An amidst these moments, I feel like there is a lot on the go! In saying that, I am very excited about it all and want to highlight one of the things that I am investing my time in these days....

As many or most of you have now read, we are in the process of adopting our next child! This process began a year ago and I thought I would share with you what God has been leading and guiding us in. Just over a year ago we were in little man's birth country meeting our youngest son...I believe it was the day after we met him that we were talking and we just knew that we were going to do this again! 

We committed in that moment that we would begin praying about it but that we would intentionally enjoy our time and love being a family of six. In June we were blessed to be able to go to Regina and meet some of the staff at the agency we worked with and more adoptive families. Following the discussion and talk from the executive director, we again felt a nudging to expand our family. We had a great summer as a family of 6. We prayerfully made some big decisions over the course of this time- the biggest as most of you know was to put our house up for sale and begin the process of building our new home. 

Riley had been seriously considering this for a while and the question that kept coming to his mind was " What do you have to leverage after God's own heart?" At our church, he had spoken on the book of Nehemiah last year. In that book, Nehemiah used his leadership and leverage with the king to rebuild Jerusalem. We knew we had a house, that we had been blessed to be able to buy at a good time. We knew we had equity in it. We knew we wanted to expand our family. So all this put together, we felt that in building our own home, we would be able to have the means to add to our family, both financially and in space! And we know that adoption is something after God's own heart. It has been a crazy adventure thus far but a great one....the roof is on and the windows are in!

Anyways, in the fall, we began more actively pursuing our next adoption. We began talking with close family and friends. We began praying for our next child...for protection, for joy, and for peace. We discussed it with our kids and they thought it was a great idea!!! We began the paperwork in early 2011...the second time around it definitely did not seem so daunting! 

And here we are in May with everything on our end done and now we begin the wait. We have chosen to pursue the same country that little man is from. We have great faith in and love for our agency and pray for them daily.We also pray for those working tirelessly in our chosen country, as they work toward caring for the many, many children without families. Currently, the program is on hold and we are trusting that all will be worked out for the many families that have been waiting a very long time. 

We are very excited about adding to our family. I am sure some people wonder...

"5 children. Really?!?!? 5 children. " I wonder that myself sometimes! But i know that we as a family are following God's leading in our lives. I know that it will require and has already required sacrifice. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am beyond blessed to get to be a mom to 5 of His precious children. 

To our next child....know that we love you already beyond measure. We are praying for you and can't wait to meet you!!!! 
Love, mommy, daddy and all the kids
Blessings,
Candra

my church...

Tonite, I had plans to write a different post but then things changed...As I put my kids to bed and laid with my sweet little 3 year old, I started praying. I was thinking about how easy it is to put on a face and fake it. To tell people everything is great, when really it is not. That life is going smoothly, but really it feels like there is more potholes than not. To think we can do it ALL ON OUR OWN, when really we were created to live and breathe as part of a community. I was praying for my kids, my family, my friends, my church...
I have been privileged for the last 7 years to be part of our church, Journeys Church, which my husband started. We started with only a handful of people 7 years ago and when I went to church this last weekend I was overcome and humbled about the community that God has brought together and continues to grow. I am so thankful. We are a mostly young group with many kids under the age of 9. We laugh together, encourage one another and share life together.
As I was praying tonite though, I realized that I don't do a very good job of being vulnerable with those that I should be. I want to be the strong one, the one who seemingly can be the one who cares all the time but every once in a while, it cracks. And I am reminded that living in community also means being ready and willing to receive. Let me give you and example....

A couple of weeks ago, my husband was on a trip for work out of town. it was day 11 of 11. I took the kids to church and apparently the 2 little ones did not want to be on their good behavior (cried the whole time...well maybe 80%) through the service. I took them up to the front as I went for communion thinking...almost done and then we can go home and they can have a nap; not a great spot to be in when going for communion!  In the quiet of the moment they realized that there was food and when I told them they couldn't have it they started full on screaming. I took them both by the hands, barely containing my tears and headed for the back room. They missed their daddy, they were tired...I know all this but I felt done. I just hugged them as they and me cried.  In walks a really good friend and just gives me a hug. Then asks me how I am doing and I told her that earlier that morning, my van had died (yes we all packed into the neon to get to church). So she tells me that she will take my girls, go get her booster cables and come to the house to help. Wow. Then I walked out of the room and another friend came and gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me that she was coming over for the next couple of hours to look after the kids and that I should go out. It is hard to accept help but since I love helping others, I gratefully said OK. Amazing. I went to starbucks for a couple of hours, brought a book and was refreshed.

Tonight, my heart is heavy for our church community. I have praying that God would be ever present in our lives and sustain through the difficult times. Amidst happy and good, there is almost always frustration and discouragment. There have been many of these times, it seems in the last year.  Those are the times that we need each other most. And it is so easy to pull away, to think we can do it on our own. But we can't. God teaches us and shows Himself and more of who He is, through others. For those of you reading that are from our church, I love you. I do not always show it, nor always make the time to ask how you are doing. And that is not right. But know that myself and as a family, we care about you deeply and are always there...no matter what.

I am sorry this maybe turned into a ramble...but I am beyond blessed that I get to experience life with these people at our church. They are awesome! And know that I am praying for you. And thank you for all that you are and have done for our family...we are so blessed to be a part of what God is doing and can't wait to see what the future brings!

Blessings,
Candra

Waiting & Expecting

A couple of days ago, I shared with an acquaintance that we were adopting our 5th child. She expressed her congratulations and then proceeded to ask me what my husband thought about me wanting 5 kids... I tried to keep a stunned look off my face and then shared that he loves our kids and is as excited to welcome our fifth into our family. I expressed that we are a team and that this was a 100%/100% decision from both of us! So I asked him if he would share some of his perspective about our fifth child on my blog......



Hey - it's Riley.  Candra asked me to post something, so here's my '2 cents' for the day.

Some of you have been wondering about the details of our 5th kid.  Candra will share more about those details in another post later, but basically we've been planning this next adoption for 11 months now and officially in process since October.  We really felt directed in this way last June and it's been impossible to get off our minds since.  Our dossier has been in to our agency for a little while now, so everything is completely out of our hands again and there's nothing to do but wait.  I personally like the dossier preparation stage better because at least I feel like I'm doing something or making progress!  Bottom line: learning, waiting and preparing for our next child has been going on longer than most people would assume.  Not as long as some people we know who are waiting, but it's not like we just started.

Which leads me to this: at the risk of sounding odd or a little melodramatic, I miss my 5th kid.  No idea who that kid is, but I still miss them - often. 

I missed him/her when I was waiting in line at D*sneyland with 34 screaming & energetic high school kids a couple weeks ago (helping lead a trip of 135+ students).  I missed him/her when I was framing the room where they will sleep & play.  I missed them when I looked in the rearview mirror of our van and saw an empty seat in the back (just waiting to be filled).  I'd like to say that waiting should be easier because I already have 4 kids... but I'd be lying.  And it's honestly unexpected for me.  This time seems to be more difficult even than the last....  I don't know how people do it for 2-4 years.  And the 'missing them' is not a bad thing, but it's not fun either.  I guess the feeling reminds me (in a good way) that we're moving toward something that's really important to us.  It's good to have plans, goals, and expectations for the future that are being realized and pursued, even if it seems to be at a snails pace sometimes.  I think that maybe 'missing them' is suppose to be a weird reminder of hope.  

The adoption process does odd things to a person (with our first adoption & now again to us).  Somehow I attach and begin bonding with a kid I've never met.  I begin preparing for their arrival before I know when I'll meet them.  And my ideas & expectations for my future and our family plans change before they even know I exist.  I guess 'expecting' is the same no matter how a kid enters your family.  You expect & plan for their arrival.  You begin to dream and wonder what they'll be like.  And you miss them because all this energy (emotional, physical, etc) is being invested whether other people recognize it or not.  As soon as we committed to adopting, I began thinking about life as though that child was already in our family and it colors every aspect of life.  And most other people don't recognize it because no one is 'showing'.  Welcoming a child into a family via adoption seems to be more lonely of an experience than having one by conception (we've had children both ways).  Most people regularly ask the pregnant mom-to-be how she is feeling, what the baby's been doing, etc.  No one really asks (or honestly knows what to ask) about when you are adopting.  In watching other people go thru the adoption process, it seems clear that they still get emotional, still notice a strain on different aspects of life (finances, health, marriage, etc.), still lose sleep, and still pray their faces off for the safety and well-being of their little one.  It's a paradox - that expected little one is both a complete stranger and also closer than most people in an adoptive parents mind/heart.

So the next time you see an expectant parent in the adoption process, consider asking them how they are holding up, how they are sleeping, if they have any recent dreams about family life, what changes they are considering because a little one will be added to their family or how they are handling the unpredictable wait.  Or just ask them if they've begun to think about names or what they'll do for the child's room or how their marriage is holding up.  And in my observation, they want you to ask even though they don't want you to ask.  They don't want you to ask because it's raw & unpredicatable & without a lot of answers & some of them feel constantly on the verge of tears or anger over circumstances.  But it's more important to know that people are interested and care.  So ask.

If any waiting parents are reading: please keep dreaming.  Hope is what keeps the process going and the reality of adoption in our world alive.  I'm not saying to be naive about circumstances in the adoption experience, but it's still vital to feel joy & anticipation.  Don't let the unpredictable wait rob you of this incredible experience of expecting your child.  And remember why you started the process in the first place!

Riley

small things

making popcorn...

delight and wonder!

Blessings,

Candra

Beautiful. Crazy. Change.

It seems that at least in my life, I never really get the opportunity to plan what my life is going to look like.  Every time I think that I am going into a season of relative stability, I get to hop back on the roller coaster for another beautiful crazy life experience. And one thing is for sure...I do love roller coasters. Especially Six flags in California!  However, even though I am a person who is content with change, I like and may even thrive when I have stability and routine. I like the change of pace but sometimes miss consistency. It is funny that I am even admittig to this, as living with 4 kids age 7 and under seems to contradict this statement almost immediately- consistency, change, stability (foreign concepts some days in our house!) So, in light of this, this last year has been a little bit like the Tatsu (the most amazing roller coaster I have ever been on!)...up down and all over the place. But it has been a blast and I have been able to carve out some routines amidst it all.

We have begun building a house for our ever expanding family. This is by far one of the larger risks we have taken in our married life, but dreaming about the future, with teenagers, with grandkids (a crazy thought in itself!), a place to hang out with friends, a place to host people - every moment will be worth it.

Starting back to work was another huge change this year...but it has been great. I have been blessed with a husband who supports my desire to work. I have 4 kids who love school and daycare. And I have gotten back to list making and menu planning which I love.  Like I mentioned, I love routine and this is where I get it. 8-4, four days a week.  I love the kids and famlies I work with. I love the other PT's that I get to work with. It is truly one of my passions. It has also taught me about priorities and boundaries and having to be disiplined with them. Since I have gone back to work, I exercise more. I eat better. I am more intentional with my time. I clean and worry about the house less (maybe not a great thing but learning to let go of some of the control). I have learned to trust and rely on God more.

So the last piece of the post is probably going to be new information for most of you. Over the past year, basically since we were last in the birth counry of little man... we have known that we were not done having a family. The minute we laid eyes on our youngest (or if I am honest probably before!), we knew that God was calling us to adopt again - to add a fifth child to our family.  So here we are, getting ready to welcome our 5th child! All I will say at this point is that we are in the process and are looking forward to sharing more in the future. We are excited about all that God has ahead for our family....

In sharing all of this, I wanted to encourage -  maybe somebody - that although in the moment change can look daunting amidst the comfort of stability...the results can truly be life changing.  It is an often used bible verse, but in Matthew it says...

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"


It is so easy for me to worry about the changes in my lfe, especially when I am not in control of it all. All the things I shared with you, we decided to step into them...but have certainly not felt in control of all the details that have come along with the decisions. It is such an encouragement to read that God cares about our lives more than we can ever imagine.  When I stop to recognize this and live in its reality, it becomes a beautiful & crazy experience all tied together as I move through the always present moments of change.


Blessings,
Candra

Happiness is...

happiness today is...

...being reminded that God has all things in his hands and that He loves me.

....seeing my kids play outside in this beautiful weather

...getting to go for a haircut

...seeing my husband again after an extended period of time, and thanking God for my marriage

...and of course this, chai is back (after Lent) and in this mug I got - can't wait to get back there soon!

Blessings,
Candra